Fan Haunted House Revealed to Be Goth Roommate’s Shitty Bedroom

RICHMOND, Va. — After an extensive study spanning one long weekend, VCU anthropology major Jessica Martin has revealed that a popular haunted house in the Fan, frequented by many black-clad men of ill repute, was in fact just her gothic roommate’s sinister bedroom.

“It was really surprising,” Martin explained during an impromptu house meeting, attended by the roommate in question, Tabitha Spellman, and her unemployed boyfriend of the month. “I thought that a ghost had taken up residence in your closet, but actually it was just your boyfriend complaining about life’s frailty and the cruel injustices of a modern, upper middle-class existence.”

According to pages 23 and 24 of Martin’s study, neighborhood children often wandered past the colonial style apartment, eyeing the black fishnet curtains and investigating the disturbing, inhuman noises that emanated from inside.

“I am only allowed to visit that haunted house with parental supervision,” 11-year-old Simon Collingsworth told The Peedmont. “My sister went on her own once and now all she does is listen to Marilyn Manson and make Mommy cry.”

According to reporters, Spellman could not be reached for comments, due in large part to her parents disconnecting her phone last week for being a complete and utter disappointment.

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