URBANNA, Va. — Despite the discomfort of fellow Urbanna Oyster Festival attendees, local dad Steve Haynes insisted on sharing the well-known information about oysters being an aphrodisiac, sources confirmed Sunday.
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“These will really get you in the mood, if you know what I mean,” Haynes explained to his two children while holding a raw oyster and winking unnecessarily. After purchasing a plate of grilled oysters, Haynes proceeded to tell anyone within earshot that they’re even better than Viagra. He added that they were more effective, too, with a smile at a nearby female vendor that made it clear that he still thinks he’s young, charming, and attractive.
“This is even worse than last year when he kept saying ‘aw shucks’ to everyone he saw holding an oyster,” Haynes’s daughter Melissa told reporters. “Or the year before that when he kept showing us his chewed up oyster and calling it ‘see food.’”
Witnesses described seeing Haynes walking through the festival, asking fellow festival-goers to take a “shell-fie” with him and flexing his biceps while asking if they liked his “mussels.”
“Sorry, this isn’t how I usually act,” Haynes told reporters. “It’s all the oysters I’ve had. They’re a natural aphrodisiac, you know.”
At press time, Haynes was seen purchasing an “Awesome Mother Shucker” T-shirt in an apparent attempt to be the coolest guy at the festival.
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