CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Election Day has arrived in the Commonwealth, and Chesterfield resident Erica Randall is eager to show her support for Republican Senatorial candidate Corey Stewart. However, like many voters, Randall forgot that there were other elections going on at the same time that required a sober, informed decision by thoughtful citizens seeking to exercise their civic duty.
“Well, I knew Corey was going to get my vote, but I had never heard of any of these other people,” Randall said after casting her votes. “So I just did what I always do on ballots when I get confused and wrote in my favorite president, Andrew Jackson.”
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Andrew Jackson, who served as the nation’s seventh president from 1829 to 1837, has been dead for over 150 years. However, Randall did not let this discourage her as she proceeded to write in “Andrew Jackson” for every available position on her ballot.
“I think it makes perfect sense for Virginia,” she explained outside of her polling place. “I wrote him in for sheriff, even though it wasn’t on the ballot, because Old Hickory didn’t take guff from nobody. He literally beat a would-be assassin within an inch of his life, so I think he can handle a shoplifter or two. Plus, I think he’d finally undo this country’s backwards laws against dueling.”
Randall wrote in Jackson for Commonwealth’s Attorney, explaining that his no-nonsense demeanor would benefit the state. “This Commonwealth needs a man who respects the rule of law, and who better than Andrew Jackson? I know he’d be tough on immigration enforcement given his strong respect for all Americans who are native to this country.”
“Yup, when I think Andrew Jackson, I think respect for us native Americans,” she added.
Finally, Randall also voted “Andrew Jackson” on the two constitutional amendments on this year’s ballot, despite “Yes” and “No” being the only options. “Sure, it may not make sense to some of the coastal elitist liberals, but all I know is that this country’s biggest opponent of the National Bank wouldn’t want to the Commonwealth to contract a debt so these snowflake high school students can have ‘books’ and ‘food.’”
It appears that others are following Randall’s example; according to some early results, Andrew Jackson is currently leading all other candidates for Commonwealth’s Attorney, despite not having practiced law in over 200 years, and also being dead.
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