DULUTH, Minn. — After being declared the loser in last Tuesday’s election only minutes after the polls closed, U.S. Senate candidate Corey Stewart must once again face a familiar dilemma — figuring out the next thing he can fail spectacularly at.
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Drawing from the lessons of his Confederate forefathers, Stewart has now decided to enter his own personal reconstruction period, according to sources close to him.
Reporters were unable to contact Stewart at his Woodbridge, Virginia home and were instead directed to his hometown of Duluth, Minnesota, where the sulking Stewart had retreated to lick his wounds and contemplate his next steps.
“Well, I ran unsuccessfully for Lieutenant Governor, then Governor, and now I’ve been rejected by the people of Virginia in my bid for Senate,” Stewart said via telegram after several phone messages went unanswered. “So I guess it’s time do what any good Southerner would do in this situation — refuse to accept defeat and blame the blacks.”
At press time, Stewart was reportedly making lithographs of “Trump/Stewart 2020” campaign signs in his basement while muttering disgustedly about the Voting Rights Act.