NATIONAL LANDING, Va. — In a highly anticipated announcement, earlier this week e-commerce juggernaut Amazon revealed that it had selected Long Island City, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia, as the sites for Amazon founder and Lex Luthor impersonator Jeff Bezos’s new secret lairs.
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“Well, it’s not exactly a secret now,” Bezos said during an interview from a sterile chamber deep inside the Washington Post building. “I told those bumbling fools in Seattle not to tell anyone. Good minions are so hard to find, especially when you work them 100 hours a week and pay them in packing peanuts.”
Days before the news broke, several residents of Crystal City, now called “National Landing” for some reason, reported swarms of Amazon drones patrolling the skies and what looked like a man-made volcano being constructed next to Reagan National Airport.
“No matter,” Bezos continued while gazing at a scale model of Northern Virginia sprawled across his office. “There’s no stopping the reckoning to come.”
At press time, Bezos was reportedly laughing maniacally in a manner eerily similar to every James Bond villain ever.
Disclaimer: The Peedmont is entirely owned by Jeffrey P. Bezos (okay, not yet, but we’re down if he is).