News Peed

Danville Now Selling for Five Easy Payments of $19.99

DANVILLE, Va. — Citing a lack of any meaningful revenue and minimal interest by anyone with an employment history, the City of Danville has decided to sell itself on QVC for five easy payments of $19.99.

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Once a bustling mill town, Danville has struggled for decades to find a financial foothold to anchor itself as an economic powerhouse in the region. As the textile industry offshored its labor force and the railroad declined, unemployment increased and property values have plummeted.

Danville’s city manager Jeff Phillips says he and other city leaders worked to revitalize Danville by redeveloping derelict mills and warehouses into commercial spaces and apartments. While their efforts to develop the river district attracted a few curious hipsters, the plan ultimately fell short. With few other options left, the entire town has unanimously decided to sell all of their property and move literally anywhere else.

“We’re delighted to feature the City of Danville in our economic blight showcase,” Marguerite Penbridge, director of QVC product acquisition, said. “Viewers will now be able to consider purchasing the city along with other similarly-valued townships like Hopewell and Emporia. Deals this good will hopefully be a lot harder for people to avoid than the towns themselves.”

Phillips did not share Penbridge’s enthusiasm about the impending sale.

“Nothing makes me sadder than having to sell my town on QVC alongside costume jewelry, Samurai swords, and the Ronco Showtime Rotisserie 4000,” Phillips said. “The last thing I want to do to Danville is set it and forget it.”

The eventual purchaser of Danville will be the proud owner of approximately 44 square miles of land, which includes numerous homes, empty shopping centers, and the Danville Braves baseball stadium.

Phillips said he plans to be there when QVC features Danville on December 14 at 3 a.m. He will co-host the segment and talk to potential buyers about the town’s charms and finer points.

“It’ll be pretty early in the morning,” Phillips said. “But I don’t mind. I’m just glad that creepy MyPillow guy won’t be the one hocking my hometown on late night cable TV. Although, have you seen his sales figures? That guy is cleaning house.”

QVC predicts a fixer-upper like Danville to sell by the end of the year, pending a thorough vetting of any potential buyer. “I’m just hoping the new owner isn’t some crazy person with a massive collection of unicorn figurines,” Phillips confessed. “Hasn’t Danville suffered enough?”


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