BLACKSBURG, Va. — Citing a drop-off at in-game heckling, Virginia Tech students are now required to take a 4-credit course in endlessly mocking UVA football.
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The course will feature a number of lessons on important topics such as clever signage, hand motions, how to make that key-jingling thing even more annoying, and feigning superiority over an athletic program that clearly no longer cares about itself.
Professor Frank Shields suggested the class to the administration last yer after a particularly lackluster, post-Thanksgiving matchup where not one UVA fan retaliated against any heckling. Shields, who also served as a second-string backup waterboy during the 1999-2000 season, has made it his life’s mission to make Virginia Tech good at heckling again.
“The administration was initially hesitant,” Shields said, adding that his argument on the valuable lessons the course would offer proved to win his superiors over. “I just flat out told them, ‘look, we could be using this class time to teach useful life skills and seek academic excellence, but come on, we’re Tech, that stuff’s for nerds, gobble gobble.’”
Many students have commented that Shields’s course is remarkably difficult, as the only way to actually get an A is to be arrested for starting an altercation with a UVA fan after calling the Lawn a disappointment.
“I’m trying to teach these kids the finer points of making fun of a rival program,” Shields explained. “We need to mention the UMBC loss in basketball more, make fun of the fact that they dress like out of work investment bankers at the games, and, most importantly, we need to remind everyone that national championships are irrelevant and what really matters is beating a perennially underperforming rival in games that could not matter less.”
This year’s matchup between the two teams will serve as the semester’s final exam. Shields requires that each student come up with three unique cheers apiece, to be shouted in an extreme state of inebriation directly into the ear canal of a neighboring UVA fan. The grade is based on grammatical correctness, overall creativity, and references to Tech’s winning streak over UVA. Shields noted that extra credit options were also available. For example, if the recipient of the heckling is a child between the ages of five and 12, an additional five points will be added to the student’s final grade.
“I think my students are ready to blow them out of the water this year and make some UVA fans cry for more reasons than usual,” Shields stated.
News of the class has reached Charlottesville as well. When questioned about their opinion of the time and effort Tech is putting into mocking their football team, one UVA student who wished to remain anonymous responded, “We have a football team?”