ARLINGTON, Va. — The announcement of Amazon’s HQ2 location in Arlington has sparked a migrant caravan of tech bros moving across the US in search of job opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Officials at the Pentagon monitoring the situation believe the caravan has at least five months before it reaches Northern Virginia.
“The group was making steady progress across the Rocky Mountains before encamping outside Denver to take advantage of the state’s numerous ski resorts and recreational marijuana,” Rafael Lopez, a senior analyst, stated in a report. “They’ve been going out of their way to stop at Tesla dealerships for vehicles that can help increase their pace, which has also impacted their route.”
Last week’s announcement has caused worry amongst many locals, including Springfield resident Jessica Van Houten. She stated in a recent interview that the situation was a disaster, citing several factors as to why the caravan should be perceived as a threat.
“This area already has too much traffic, it’s too expensive, and we already have plenty of uppity white people. The idea isn’t to be more like San Francisco.”
Van Houten and others view the migration of Silicon Valley tech workers as an invasion, emboldened by frequent social media posts which label the programmers as a threat to the area’s buttoned-up beltway culture of golf and domestic policy discussions.
“We don’t need a bunch of flip-flop wearing frat boys with iPads talking about their new app that is like Tinder but for finding a housekeeper,” Van Houten added. “The numerous defense contractors in Crystal City already provide us with more than enough douchebags.”
Lopez said the group will be leapfrogging from one Chipotle to the next until they arrive in Virginia.
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