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“Well, Can’t Be Worse Than Last Year,” Says JMU Basketball Coach Louis Rowe

HARRISONBURG, Va. — Coming off a disappointing 10-22 season, Louis Rowe, head coach of JMU’s men’s basketball team, is optimistic for the sole reason that expectations could not be lower. Citing scheming issues and the fact that a few teams on their schedule mistook the JMU Dukes for Duke, an actually successful basketball program, Coach Rowe hopes that the team can improve this season.

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Coach Rowe explained, “I think our guys have it in them to win seven or maybe eight games. Is that great? No. But can we make that dream a reality? Maybe?”

“You know,” he continued, “folks make fun our team, but you know what being good at basketball gets you? Embarrassed on national TV by 16th seed UMBC. We don’t need that bad mojo.”

Rowe stated that his strategy for the year is to not show off, but also not fall behind. “We don’t want to be like UVA with their regular season success, only to crap it all away in the tournament. What’s the point?”

“That’s why our students don’t transfer to UVA, too much pressure,” he added.

Rowe has taken a more relaxed approach to coaching. “Look, I’m not like those crotchety Coach K types or that fancy boy Tony Bennett. My guys are gonna focus on fundamentals like dribbling and doing fancy handshakes on the bench. You know, real basketball x’s and o’s. That’s how you get to the promised land of possibly more than six wins.”

“These guys are better than last year,” he continued. “We’re more focused, we’re more determined, and we just beat out the women’s ribbon twirling team for rights to practice at the gym on Tuesdays. Things are really looking up.”

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