News Peed

Jefferson Davis Monument 7.5 Percent African American, DNA Test Reveals

RICHMOND, Va. — Popular genealogy testing service 23andme shocked the Richmond community yesterday with its announcement that the city’s famed Jefferson Davis monument is 7.5 percent African American.

23andme initially planned the test as a publicity stunt, hoping to sell more of its overpriced testing kits of dubious quality.

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“We wanted to do this as kind of a goof,” Michael Peterson, a company spokesperson, said. “We thought it would generate a lot of interest in our service. These kinds of genealogical reveals were Maury Povich’s bread and butter.”

The tests were done last month on the statue of the losing president of the Civil War, which has stood on Monument Avenue since its dedication in the midst of Jim Crow-era America. Researchers took several swabs from its cheek, outstretched hand, and very tiny balls. The findings were conclusive and showed the statue to have a 7.5 percent African American lineage.

Researchers admitted that there could be human error involved and that it is possible the sample was exposed to saliva from generations of Richmonders spitting on the statue, giving the memorial’s granite surface a subtle shine.

“Our findings also indicate that the statue is 14 percent golden retriever; however, we admit that may have come from dog urine,” Peterson added.

Revelations of the statue’s genetic origins have caused a stir among some visitors. Joshua Howden, a self-described Confederate historian, said the news left him stunned.

“This just don’t make no goddamn sense,” Howden exclaimed, sobbing into a Confederate flag handkerchief made in China while standing beside the statue. “My Grandpappy was at its dedication. Next thing you know, they’ll say the Civil War was about slavery and not states’ rights.”

Jerry Shifflet, a Mechanicsville resident and leader of the local Confederate heritage group, Richmond Confederates That Still Somehow Believe Slavery Had Nothing To Do With The Civil War (R.C.T.S.S.B.S.H.N.T.D.W.T.C.W.), was equally appalled by the results.

“Those damn scientists don’t know a damn thing about history,” Shifflet exclaimed, adding that his faith in the statue’s heritage took precedence over actual scientific data. “I don’t care what those libtard labcoats say. First they try to lecture us on how ol’ Mother Nature is changing, and now this? Davis himself is rolling over in his grave.”


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