NORTH POLE — As Christmas quickly approaches, Santa Claus announced today at his headquarters that Dominion Energy would be providing coal ash for all the naughty kids of the world.
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Standing in front of elves, reindeer, and Dominion Energy executives, Father Christmas spoke with excitement and cheer about what the partnership would entail.
“Coal is frankly becoming too expensive, and the world’s got just too many kids these days to make it feasible to provide every naughty kid with their own chunk of coal,” Santa stated, adding that the declining coal industry has led to the closure of multiple processing plants at the North Pole. He elaborated that Dominion would need to relocate a massive coal plant within a mile of Santa’s workshop, which could lead to potential employment opportunities in the Arctic community.
“Plus, given Dominion’s unmatched track record of ruining everything they come into contact with, I knew I could trust them to help make the kids on the naughty list miserable,” Santa continued.
Dominion Energy CEO Thomas F. Farrell III, who was also present at Santa’s headquarters, was even jollier than old Saint Nick about the deal.
“By supplying Santa with coal ash, we are further committing ourselves to keeping Virginia’s rivers and ponds free of its harmful effects,” Farrell explained. “As well as educating the children of the world about consequences.”
However, some residents of the North Pole are upset about the partnership. North Pole Forever (NPF), a radical collective of reindeer and polar bears led by none other than Rudolph himself, have condemned the partnership. They believe that Dominion’s reputation regarding the environment could end up costing the North Pole.
Rudolph was present at the event, and spoke to reporters afterward about the situation.
“Dominion’s irresponsible treatment of coal ash has wreaked havoc on Virginia’s environment,” Rudolph stated, his nose glowing bright red with anger. “We refuse to stand idly by and let Dominion make the North Pole its bitch.”
Together with May We Be Merry, the largest elf trade union in the North Pole, NPF led a protest against the partnership following the announcement. Elves, reindeer, and polar bears stood arm in paw, singing renditions of “All I Want for Christmas is for Dominion to Get the Fuck out of Town” and “I’m Dreaming of a Fossil Fuel Free World.”
Despite the opposition, Santa Claus and Dominion plan to move forward with the partnership, even hinting at a potential new slogan: “You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Dominion is coming to town!”
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