NORFOLK, Va. — Unwilling to face his daughter’s sexuality, Ghent resident Larry Ramsey was forced to stand awkwardly outside the Victoria’s Secret in MacArthur Center yesterday after discovering the nearby bench was already occupied by another dad with a bored-looking toddler.
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Ramsey, a 51-year-old insurance actuary, accompanied his wife and 18-year-old daughter to the MacArthur Center for dinner, shopping, and a late showing of “Ralph Breaks the Internet.” After dinner, the trio embarked on some last-minute holiday shopping when Ramey’s daughter Katie steered her mom toward Victoria’s Secret.
“We were just trying to kill some time before the movie started,” Ramsey said. “I thought we would end up in Bath & Body Works or Dillard’s.”
Unable to endure the trauma of watching his daughter possibly purchase thong underwear, Ramsey made a hasty retreat toward a nearby bench to wait it out. However, he was aghast to discover his coveted refuge was occupied.
“I figured I would just sit down on the bench, stare at my phone, and pretend my precious baby girl isn’t buying skimpy things that some pervy little shithead at Longwood is going to see her in,” Ramsey said, adding that the predicament had put him between a rock and a hard place.
“There’s no way in hell I’m going in there. I’m just going to hang out here until they finish. Hopefully it won’t be longer than a few minutes.”
Witnesses report that Ramsey shuffled around in awkward circle while trying to hold several shopping bags and eat a cup of chocolate frozen yogurt. “I haven’t been this uncomfortable since my vasectomy,” Ramsey said. “Where am I supposed to look? I can’t just stare at random people and I definitely don’t want to see what’s going on inside that store.”
Security footage shows that Ramsey seemed to grow increasingly uneasy the longer he stood outside the store, a thousand-yard stare fixated on the occupied bench. Witnesses report he began muttering a quiet prayer that his daughter was only visiting Victoria’s Secret to purchase body lotion and long sleeve pajamas.
“I know she’s a woman and she’s all grown up,” Ramsey was overheard saying to no one in particular. “But damn it, she’s still my little girl.”