News Peed

Local Family Celebrates Birth of Jesus by Getting Drunk on a Bus

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Proclaiming their devotion to the holiday that honors the birth of Jesus, the Mulligan family got completely obliterated on a tacky lights tour bus Saturday night, sources confirm.

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“We’ve always taken the time to remind our kids the true meaning of the Christmas season,” Jeff Mulligan said, pointing out his two young children. “Tacky light tours are really spiritual because Jesus was the light of the world. And He loved wine,” Mulligan continued while finishing his fifth glass of mulled wine.

Jeff’s wife Sherry Mulligan complained that Christmas had become such a commercialized holiday, adding that they refused to be one of those families who lost sight of the commemoration of God’s greatest gift to humanity. “John 3:16, motherfuckers,” she explained to reporters, taking a break from her third hot toddy to sing along to “Mary Did You Know?”

While their children looked out the bus windows at light displays put together by people with too much time on their hands, witnesses say Jeff and Sherry Mulligan were busy honoring their Lord and Savior through a Fireball-chugging contest along with fellow tour attendees.

At one stop, Jeff Mulligan was seen taking his kids out to a nearby nativity scene and telling them the story of the three wise men while peeing onto the baby Jesus. “These kinds of family bonding activities are what the season is all about.”

At press time, Sherry Mulligan was seen continuing her honor of the Lord Jesus Christ’s birth by vomiting onto the backseat of the bus.

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