ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Local couple Ron Bell and Susan Higgins are entering year three of their relationship as they ramp up for yet another Christmas together. For the third year in a row, Higgins told Bell that she doesn’t want anything and just wants to be together for Christmas. When pressed for actual, helpful gift suggestions, Higgins stated, as she does every year, “Okay, fine, just get me a candle or something.”
The relationship had been going through a rough patch which has lasted approximately two years.
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“Their love life is about as exciting as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir,” Susan Boyle, a close friend of the couple, said in an exclusive interview. She added that Bell has struggled to find work, while Higgins has developed the sustained sense of self-loathing that can only come from being a middle manager for a domestic bank.
However, the couple has managed to stick it out due to their shared fear of dying alone, which is the best foundation for all successful relationships. Bell remained optimistic that this candle could help bring him and Higgins closer together. “I was hoping I could give it to her in a playful manner, sort of like a gag gift, like ‘hey you said you wanted a candle, ha ha!’”
However, despite his intentions, the Yankee Candle purchased by Bell hasn’t done much to save his failing relationship.
According to historical documents, Bell’s record of gift-giving has been tepid at best. In 2016, when the relationship had just started, his Christmas gift was a simple $25 gift card to Barnes & Noble. When reached for comment, he said, “I know it’s typically the go-to gift for stressed-out moms and people who like to pretend they’ve read something other than ‘The Da Vinci Code’ over the last decade, but we had only been dating for a few months and I didn’t want to come off as too extreme.”
Bell attempted to spice things up for his 2017 Christmas gift by getting Higgins lingerie. However, failure to purchase the right size and color led to an increasingly inappropriate and incredibly detailed argument over Bell’s issues with physical intimacy.
Bell put in hours of research to determine whether Autumn Wreath or Christmas Cookie would best help mend his relationship with Higgins, but his efforts appear to have been in vain.
At the time of reporting, sources close to the couple revealed that the candle has not stopped Higgins from finally realizing she’s too good for Bell. She is considering asking out Hank from Accounting instead, just like her mother told her to years ago.
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