RICHMOND, Va. — West Avenue’s neighborhood association just voted to implement a new policy in which all visitors must remove their shoes before walking through the street.
West Avenue occupants and neighborhood officials told the press that they have been discussing this decree for years and assure Richmond citizens that it will improve the block in many ways. They explained that shoes create a lot of wear and tear on sidewalks, cause unnecessary noise pollution, and bring in an excessive amount of toxic microbes.
“City streets have thousands of people walking on them every day, and shoes pick up 99.5% of public bacteria,” Martha Windsor, president of the West Avenue Neighborhood Association, said. “We work hard to keep our block a pristine oasis, and we just don’t want to bring those outside germs into our street.”
Starting August 1, anyone caught walking through West Avenue without first removing their footwear will either be permanently banned from coming onto the street or forced to provide community service to residents by washing their Lexuses and Yorkshire terriers.
Other policies in the works include a ban on gum chewing, allowing only hypoallergenic dogs, and enforcing a strict “no cell phone” policy.