Future President of United States Currently Puking Behind a Dumpster in Georgetown
WASHINGTON — Leaning over a festering garbage bag full of expired foie gras and duck confit, Georgetown swim team captain and future president of the United States Travis Bellington is currently heaving his ever-loving guts out, according to sources.
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Bellington, who is reportedly related to one of the lesser-known founding fathers, serves as president of his fraternity, is an average student, and has ambitions of one day becoming the leader of the free world, but he still can’t seem to hold his liquor during a typical Tuesday night out with the boys.
“He’s usually a pretty chill dude,” Stephanie Trainor, Travis’s girlfriend, told reporters of the man who will be elected commander in chief after a scandal-ridden election at some point in the future. “I mean, he’s probably going to be a rich politician someday, but not if he keeps barfing his brains out onto the street like a little bitch.”
When reached for comment, the citizen who will eventually have control of one of the world’s largest nuclear arsenals attempted to give a half-hearted thumbs-up before horking up another round of partially digested brewskies.
“Wow, is he still puking?” Sandra Reynolds, an employee from a nearby Chipotle, asked while taking her smoke break. “It kind of reminds me of that water fountain Alex Ovechkin played in after winning the Stanley Cup. This guy clearly has ‘leader of the free world’ written all over him.”
At press time, Bellington’s parents had released a statement clarifying that their son had not been blowing mad chunks as a result of drinking one too many Irish car bombs, but was in fact expressing his utter disgust at the sorry state of affairs in Washington.
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