HENRICO, Va. — In an impeccable feat of extraordinary intellect, social mastermind and extreme introvert Jenna Parkerson has announced plans to stay home this New Year’s Eve, sources confirmed today.
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Parkerson, who is now being hailed as a genius and heroine by approximately 99.9 percent of the millennial population, explained that her decision to remain home was confirmed after conducting an in-depth pros and cons analysis involving multiple scenarios for her evening.
“My leading pick was a party that my friend Sarah invited me to where I wouldn’t know anyone,” Parkerson explained, further stating that she usually isn’t in the mood to make new friends.
“I also could pay $40 to get into a club down in Shockoe, which includes generic live music, a shot’s worth of bargain-brand champagne, and desperate men looking for a midnight kiss,” she told reporters, adding that she can do that for free any other time of the year.
Parkerson concluded that, after weighing the options, the benefits of staying at home with a bottle of red wine surpassed all other selections without question.
“My home has all of the amenities I need for a successful and fulfilling New Year’s Eve: nobody else, and … uh, well, that’s all, really.”
Her announcement of staying in tonight has influenced thousands not only across the city, but also across the state. According to Jeremiah Ketzler, a senior sociology professor at the University of Richmond, Parkerson’s call to avoid drunk assholes, two hours’ worth of make-up preparation, and a $50 Uber ride will have long-lasting effects.
“This is groundbreaking,” Ketzler said in a statement, explaining that Parkerson’s decision to remain at home watching the ball drop from the comfort of her living room had impacted not only others but also himself.
“It’s hard to believe that nobody has thought of something of such sheer brilliance. Even I was going to invite some nearby family and friends over for a small shindig, but after analyzing Parkerson’s conclusion, all of them can go to Hell. I’m spending the night alone with my dog Franco.”
“What she has achieved will have a monumental impact on society’s introverts for years to come,” he added.
At the time of reporting, sources close to the White House revealed that Parkerson was rumored as a contender to receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom at some point in 2019.