RICHMOND, Va. — After once again propositioning no fewer than seven disinterested women before making his way to the closest urinal to vomit away $75 in cheap beer and fireball shots, Richmond resident and self-proclaimed ladies’ man Mitchell Henderson appears to be ending the year in the exact way that it began, officials confirmed Tuesday.
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Sources close to Henderson say 2018 began in the same manner, when he drank too much, attempted to make a speech on top of a Guinness keg, flirted with a shapely coat rack, and then proceeded to puke out an entire year’s worth of cheap drinks in the second urinal from the left in Siné’s men’s restroom. Leaving a trail of cinnamon bile in his wake, Henderson returned home alone and proceeded to engage in little to no personal growth for the next 12 months.
This year Henderson once again attended a New Year’s Eve party at Siné Irish Pub in Shockoe Bottom, this time with the hope that he could right the wrongs of 2018 and enter 2019 with a renewed resolve to improve himself. Unfortunately, his hopes were dashed when a combination of debilitating alcoholism and boorish behavior brought his year full circle, head stuck in a urinal after failing to convince seven different women to sleep with him.
A female acquaintance, Elle Frances, recounted the evening’s activities. “Mitch does the same thing every year. He throws down a few flaming Dr. Peppers, blacks out, walks up to women and says, ‘Very nice, how much?’ in what he thinks is a funny Borat impression.”
“The whole ‘new year, new me’ thing doesn’t really apply to him,” she added.
As on January 1, 2018, Henderson began 2019 alone, covered in his own bodily fluids, and ready to disappoint his parents for another 12 months. Early reports indicate that 2020 will definitely be his time to shine.