WASHINGTON — A routine inspection of Dave Brat’s former office by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration showed critically unsafe levels of toxic masculinity. Upon its discovery last week, workers immediately sealed his office and notified the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
RELATED (article continued below):
- Spanberger Campaign Uncovers Brat’s History of Teaching at White Privilege High
- Sulking Dave Brat Cheers up After Being Reminded He No Longer Has to Deal With Female Constituents
- New Voice-Activated “Dave Brat Grill” Only Recognizes Voices of White Men
“Based on our findings, we’ve determined Representative Brat’s former office to be too dangerous for occupation,” CDC epidemiologist Emily Porter said. “The contamination shows threatening levels of dated morals and misogynistic values. A thorough cleaning must take place for safety purposes.”
The CDC sought the assistance of Brat’s successor, Abigail Spanberger in managing the cleanup. While Spanberger will not occupy Brat’s former office when her term begins in January, the CDC hoped her built-up immunity and prior experience in battling Brat’s ideas on stereotypical gender roles would be helpful.
“You can’t work in the CIA without coming into contact with various strains of toxic masculinity,” Porter said. “Areas occupied by male entitled political appointees and mid-level government officials require two weeks of quarantine, with therapy for the occupants that involves watching ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ for a week straight.”
Toxic masculinity is classified as a Biohazard Level 3 by the CDC and believed to be as dangerous as anthrax. If not contained, the disease can spread rapidly among men. Its symptoms include viewing women only as adversaries or sexual conquests and an insatiable desire to call people cucks.
Porter believes that Brat’s long congressional history of dismissing women as individuals without brains or valid opinions is the likely reason behind severity the current infestation.
Spanberger will be required to wear a Level A hazmat suit during the week-long cleaning process, which involves removing the contents of the office, scraping off any remaining contaminants, and bleaching the crap out of everything.
“There are just layers upon layers of it caked all over everything,” Porter said. “I really hope we don’t have to resort to sandblasting.”
Check out some of the cool stuff in our online store before you go back to being productive today.