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Richmond City Council Takes Bird Box Approach to Addressing Public School Conditions

RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond City Council has taken a novel approach to avoiding the dismal state of Richmond Public Schools by providing blindfolds to students and teachers.

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Dubbed the “Bird Box approach” after the Netflix film of the same name, council members hope that students and teachers can simply avoid seeing the terrible condition of the facilities. Richmond City Council President Chris Hilbert, the mastermind behind the plan, said he came up with the unorthodox idea after watching the film over the weekend.

“This is a much better solution,” Hilbert said in a press release. “So what if that laptop is just a couple of Lucky Charms boxes taped together? The students won’t know the difference.”

According to Hilbert, students and teachers will be required to don blindfolds each morning before entering the building and will not be allowed to take them off during the day. They will then be asked to pretend they are at one of the well-funded schools in Henrico or Chesterfield counties. Since some officials estimate it would take approximately $620 million dollars to renovate all of the school system’s aging facilities, Hilbert believes this will be a far more cost-effective solution.

“If Sandra Bullock can row down a river blindfolded, surely a bunch of third graders can figure out how to make it to their class,” Hilbert added.

Starting this week, the school board will send notices to each family alerting them to the new policy. The City of Richmond plans to cover the cost of the blindfolds, but will not hesitate to ask students to shred their own clothing if there is insufficient funding.

Hilbert said the council was excited about the idea, given that alternative ideas to combat decrepit conditions in city schools were scarce due to the city’s funding priorities.

“We’re pretty confident in this approach. Besides, it’s not like we can raise taxes again, and it looks like any funding we could possibly get will go to a new stadium, so we’re giving it our best shot here.”

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