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Crystal City Regretting Amazon Contract Clause Calling for the Sacrifice of First Born Children for New HQ

CRYSTAL CITY, Va. — Explaining that the number of children to be slaughtered was starting to add up, officials in Crystal City are attempting to renegotiate a clause in their Amazon HQ2 bid contract that called for the sacrificing of first-born children, sources revealed Thursday.

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Simon Buford, an Arlington government official who was involved in writing the bid for the new Amazon headquarters in 2017, explained in an interview that the clause that stated that Arlington families would sacrifice one first born child every week to appease Emperor Bezos was largely facetious.

“We knew that all of the other cities we were competing against had absurd clauses and promises,” Buford continued. “With crazy things like the mayor of Kansas City reviewing 1,000 items on Amazon and that town in Georgia renaming itself Amazon, we really didn’t think this would be taken that seriously.”

However, much to their dismay, Bezos and his team accepted the offer under the condition that Arlington residents live up to their end of the bargain. According to Buford, Bezos personally contacted the Arlington County Board to demand the clause be fulfilled.

“He told us that he was excited about the prospect of families offering their first-born children for him and then he went into the details. He demanded that each child be brought to the proposed location of the HQ; after reading a passage from the executive summary from his original business plan for the company, the blood of Virginian children shall become one with the soil. I guess it’s supposed to be some kind of metaphor of the company’s growth.”

“When we saw his email specifically outlying his plans, our stomachs churned and all we could think of was ‘Oh dear God, no. No, no, no, no. Oh, God. He took it seriously,’” Buford continued.

Arlington officials have yet to commence the slaughtering of first-borns as they desperately attempt to reach out to Bezos regarding what will soon become the killing fields of Northern Virginia. Buford said that council members are already coming up with alternate ideas to appease Bezos. “One idea we have is constructing a rail line from his D.C. mansion directly to his parking space at the new HQ. We can’t say we’ve done that for anyone else up here.”

In the meantime, the community has already started a selection process for the first round of children who will die for Amazon. Buford says Bezos didn’t specify when he exactly he wanted the first child to be sacrificed, but nobody is waiting for a deadline before they seek another solution. “We’re scrambling to get something else figured out as soon as possible. I mean, I personally hate kids, but this is a bit too much, even for Amazon.”

“Why couldn’t they have just turned down this part of the proposal like they did the saguaro cactus Tucson sent them?” Buford added.

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