CHESTERFIELD, Va. — A prominent Libertarian and retired employee of the Pawnee, Indiana government has reported the current federal government shutdown has left him with a constant erection, sources confirmed Thursday.
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Donald Ulysses Twanson stated in an interview at his Genito Road home that he first felt streams of blood rushing to his midsection as soon the government shut down. He stated it was brought on by fantasies of a nation coming to the realization that they do not need government.
Per his own account, his erection has not ceased as the shutdown enters day 19.
“I’ve been completely turgid since December 22,” Twanson said in a statement. “In fact, this is the best Christmas I’ve ever had. I was alone with a glass of scotch, a plate of bacon and eggs, and my thoughts of a diminished federal bureaucracy.”
“The only way a government and its people truly come together is if they never talk. That’s how you make a true friend,” he added. “A government just needs one stable alpha who can nuke someone when we need to. The rest of it is useless and should stay shut down.”
A stiff Twanson went on to state that the government shutdown is a perfect test case for why citizens can do without many of the government agencies currently affected. He would prefer the United States privatize many of its services and has argued that Pfizer could simply replace the CDC and that all museums should be run by the owners of Chuck E. Cheese.
Regarding his own wood that has yet to soften in nearly three weeks, he expressed little concern about the scenario. “I’m not concerned, not one bit. Only the weak are concerned about matters like this.”
Twanson, an avid outdoorsman who enjoys hunting and fishing and who is currently carrying a raging chub harder than when you saw your first Playboy magazine, did acknowledge that the shutdown has left many parks without services such as trash removal, leaving many littered with garbage and human waste.
“National parks overflowing with trash reflect on modern politicians acting like a bunch of children. The only things that should be filled with trash are garbage cans and unopened bottles of Smirnoff Ice.”
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