RICHMOND, Va. — According to a report released by the City of Richmond, the newly formed Millennial Resettlement Initiative (MIRI) has seen a record number of applications from throughout the United States in the first week and a half of 2019.
- Area Millennial Waits Patiently for Satirical News Site to Start Covering the Next Generation
- USS Wisconsin to Provide Luxury Apartment Housing for Norfolk’s Millennials
- Henrico Woman Who Plans to Spend New Year’s Eve at Home Hailed as Genius
The MIRI program, part of Mayor Levar Stoney’s campaign to attract younger people to Richmond, offers a range of services to millennials who are fleeing modern life, including affordable rent, adequately priced food and beer, free parks and river trails, and minimal traffic.
“Richmond has long been a destination for millennials seeking refuge from Brooklyn’s rent, Austin’s gentrification, or D.C.’s overall shittiness,” Stoney commented. “Right now millennials are flooding over our borders in used Subarus looking for part-time restaurant gigs. Their resilience in the face of crushing student debt or living with their parents is inspiring, and Richmond welcomes them with open arms.”
While the city has a reputation for somewhat limited job prospects, few dating options, and barely adequate salaries, Richmond also boasts a shockingly low cost of living, high quality of life, and an otherwise easy-going vibe. When asked why they chose to flee now, most millennials cited shitty jobs, a chance to “slow down to focus on the band,” or simply “Trump.”
MIRI staff are currently inundated with calls and emails from across the country, and the organization has sought emergency funding to expand the program to meet demand.
“It’s like trying to drink from a firehose,” MIRI operations staff member Megan Franklin commented. “Except that instead of a hose it’s hipsters and instead of water it’s Narragansett Lager. These millennials are our best hope for the future, which is kinda meh.”
There were no children harmed in the making of our t-shirts in our online store, so you should probably buy one.