With a major wintry weather system looming upon us, The Peedmont has put together a guide to help Virginians endure what are sure to be brutal conditions. Follow these recommendations and we are somewhat sure that you will survive the cold winter months ahead unscathed.
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Make sure you’re well-stocked with milk and bread.
Despite the fact that you’re calcium deficient 99.5% of the calendar year and gluten intolerant, you’re going to have a strong hankering for 2% and toast as soon as it starts to flurry. Make a run on your local grocery store and stockpile as much milk and bread as you can. There’s nothing a glass of moo leche and slice of pumpernickel can’t fix.
Did you run out of gas for your generator? Pour milk in it! Are you out of logs for your fireplace? Light a pile of Wonder Bread on fire in the middle of your living room floor. Did you use up all your windshield washer fluid? Just empty a gallon of 100% cow breast extract into your windshield fluid reservoir. Do you not have enough blankets for the cold season? Burrow yourself deep into a pile of whole wheat for extra warmth.
Don’t forget, the rules of the road change during snow accumulation.
Don’t forget that once a half inch of snow accumulates in Virginia, the basics rules of driving reverse. Press the left pedal to accelerate, the right to brake. Turn signals are no longer necessary. Rather, honk and flip the bird to passing cars whenever a turn is required. If there’s shiny stuff on the road, speed up! Also, don’t forget to brake until the absolute last possible second and turn your headlights off at sunset.
Wander aimlessly through city streets as if the zombie apocalypse has occurred.
We know that snow can be mind-blowingly confusing. What are sidewalks? What are cars? Don’t worry, pedestrian zones, crosswalks, and vehicle right-of-way are suspended during snowfall. If you need to get from A to B, just trudge through the streets 10 feet from a sidewalk with a slack-jawed, glazed-over look on your face. The cars will stop … or they won’t. Either way, you’ll get SOMEWHERE, either on foot or by ambulance.
Prepare a list of smug, ridiculous statements to share with your Yankee friends.
We know that Virginians are always on the lookout for opportunities to gain street cred. Nothing makes you sound tougher than trying to prove to your friends from New England that driving to work through a one-inch accumulation of snow is like completing Iditarod. Try out some of these Peedmont-approved winners!
“See, I TOLD you that Richmond gets as cold as Minnesota.”
“You just don’t understand. We BARELY survived the winter of 2016.”
“We don’t have snow plows down here. I once was trapped in my house for SIX HOURS!”
Give us some feedback! Do you have any tips for surviving winter in Virginia?