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Supervillain Jeff Bezos Uses Government Shutdown to Steal All National Monuments

WASHINGTON — Broadcasting live from the bowels of his new lair in Crystal City, Amazon CEO and unapologetic supervillain Jeff Bezos announced yesterday that he had taken advantage of the government shutdown in Washington to finally fulfill his lifelong dream of stealing every single national monument.

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Due to an ongoing impasse between President Donald Trump and congressional Democrats over funding for a southern border wall, the federal government has been partially shut down since late December. National parks and monuments have been left unattended. Apparently, this opportunity proved too enticing for Washington’s second most eccentric billionaire.

“My critics told me I couldn’t do it,” Bezos explained in his announcement. “‘There are just too many of them, Jeff,’ they said. ‘The Washington Monument weighs over 80,000 tons, Jeff.’ Yeah, well, they also thought Americans would never put sentient listening devices in their homes just so they could order toilet paper by voice command. But guess what, they did, and now I get to play racquetball on the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.”

Federal authorities are still baffled as to how Bezos was able to make off with every single monument in the Washington metro area, but reports of loud buzzing noises and thousands of low-flying drones seen over the National Mall in recent days may have something to do with it.

At press time, the Lincoln Memorial was going for $700 million on Amazon, or $99 if you sign up for an Amazon Rewards Visa Signature Card.

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