RICHMOND, Va. — A member of the Virginia Flaggers organization has reportedly reignited the debate over Martin Luther King Jr. Day, despite secretly enjoying every stinking work-free minute of it.
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According to sources, Richmond resident Jed Stuart, who describes himself as a southerner and a patriot, arrived at his job as a substitute history teacher at Meadowbrook High School this morning and was pleasantly surprised to find the school closed for the day. Although initially excited to spend his free time waving the old Stars and Bars outside the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts (his favorite hobby, according to his mother), Stuart was soon disappointed to learn that the reason for his day off was none other than Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
“No, I did not forget it was MLK Day,” Stuart said when asked why he was seemingly unaware of a federal holiday that had been observed since 1986. “I just don’t keep track of those people’s calendars.”
Stuart quickly added, “I know what you’re going to say, and no, it’s not because King was black. You libtards think us flaggers are all racist. Wrong, snowflake. It has nothing to do with race at all. I just don’t believe in closing the post office for some johnny-come-lately preacher man when we should be celebrating true heroes like Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and my great-granpappy who accidentally shot his own foot off.”
Created in 1889 to celebrate the birthdays of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson, Virginia state holiday Lee-Jackson Day was officially merged with the federal MLK holiday by the Virginia Assembly in 1984. However, after people came to the startling realization that celebrating two heroes of the confederacy and Martin Luther King Jr. on the same day was the cultural equivalent of dumping toxic waste into a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit, the third Monday in January was eventually ceded to King alone in Virginia.
Like most of his flagger colleagues, Stuart remains incensed by this disrespectful decision and frustrated that his Monday afternoon spent calling the cops on black teenagers is only possible because of that so-called “I-have-a-dream-guy” with the suit. He continued, “Again, it’s not a race thing. I like Martin Luther King. He’s definitely one of the good … I mean, he’s definitely a good guy. I’m just upset that he gets a day all to himself full of furniture sales and what not, while my idols play second fiddle to the NFL conference championships.”
“Seriously, an entire day is a bit much,” he added. “Maybe he should get like half a day, or maybe 75 percent of a day, or maybe even three-fifths … nevermind.”
Despite his protests, Stuart remained reluctantly happy that he could take it easy for once, even if the same federal government that persecuted his ancestors was responsible for his good fortune.
“I guess if the swamp wants to give me a day off, I’ll grin and bear it. I’m just disappointed that all it takes is making a speech in front of the Lincoln Memorial to get a day named after you. I’m not saying that King doesn’t deserve some recognition, but please, if ranting about race in front of a monument gets you a holiday, then us Flaggers deserve a whole month. How about February?”
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