Listen up folks, because I’m here for one reason and one reason only, and that’s to help put an end once and for all to these craft beer bros failing to respect the proper brews that helped build the backbone of America. And no, I’m not talking about Budweiser, Miller, or Coors, you ignorant, kombucha-drinking hipster.
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I’m talking, of course, about the holy grail of all things lager, the impeccable Pabst Blue Ribbon. The true king of beers and friend to frat boys across the commonwealth, PBR is unrivaled in its quality, price, and swagger; oh, and did we mention it has a blue ribbon? Damn straight it does.
And after all, that acronym doesn’t stand for “People’s Beer of Richmond” for no reason, right? In fact, on the right day, PBR could even translate to “People’s Beer of Norfolk,” not just because people of Norfolk can’t spell, but due to its alcoholic perfection. That’s how solid this beverage is.
All of you hops-snobs need to stop what you’re doing right now and recognize the superiority of Pabst. I mean, if it wasn’t a good beer, then how do you explain it winning “America’s Best” at the World’s Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893? That’s right, you can’t. This argument should be over right there.
But let me humor you by asking you a question: do you even know how big of a deal that thing was? The Chicago World’s Fair? Combine the Richmond Folk Festival and the Urbanna Oyster Festival, then multiply that by at least 10, and you’re probably still nowhere near the sheer magnitude of the Chicago World’s Fair.
This thing had a freaking viking ship that was sailed all the way from Norway. When your beer kicks as much ass as a hardcore Norwegian pillaging raft, you know it’s real.
Like 27 million people were at this fair, and they all collectively decided that Pabst Blue Ribbon was America’s best beer. Well, except for the folks killed by notorious Chicago serial killer H.H. Holmes. Pretty sure they didn’t have time to vote, but if they did, they would have picked PBR too.
Even Helen Keller reportedly purchased 12 bottles of foamy goodness for herself. And as we all know from Daredevil, when you lose one sense, your other senses become heightened. By that standard, Helen was practically a superhero cicerone, and she chose PBR. What more do you need to know?
As for the competition, where are the other brewers and their ribbons, huh? What awards did Hardywood win at the 1983 Chicago World’s Fair? The Veil’s IPAs took home diddly squat.
Hell, Corona hadn’t even bothered to be invented yet, the amateurs. No second place red ribbon for you, you unnatural cross between bargain brand champagne and Diet Mountain Dew.
I could go on, but this should be more than enough evidence to prove that PBR is THE superior beer. Period. It was decided in 1893, and until someone else is declared winner of the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair, Pabst shall reign supreme.
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