Super Bowl LIII is approaching and, much like the heat death of the universe, it’s inevitable that the New England Patriots would be involved. In a rematch of Super Bowl XXXVI, the Patriots are taking on the Los Angeles Rams, much to the surprise of all three Los Angeles Rams fans.
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Since you want an excuse to drink on a Sunday night, you’re more than likely hosting or attending a Super Bowl party. If so, and since the Patriots bandwagon has gained more steam in the last two decades than Pumpkin Spice Lattes, you’re likely to encounter an obnoxious Patriots fan who probably forgot Bill Belichick used to coach the Cleveland Browns and can’t name one Patriots player from before 2018 other than Tom Brady. However, The Peedmont is here to help with our Guide to Dealing With the Patriots Fan at Your Superbowl Party Who Won’t Shut the Hell Up.
Option 1: Mimicry.
The typical Patriots fan will usually engage in a long-winded discourse about how the Patriots are the Platonic ideal of a football team and how Boston sports fans descended from the heavens to bless us with their presence. Give them a taste of their own medicine by mocking them and their Boston accent which sounds like someone took a chainsaw to a plate of sheet metal. For the next four hours simply say, “YOU AH JUS’ JEALOUS OF TAWMMY TOUCHDOWN. YOU WOULD NAWT BELIEVE HOW LUCKY YOU AH TO WAHTCH HIM THROW DAT PIGSKIN OVAH AND OVAH AGAIN LIKE A LITTLE CUTIE PIE. YOU HATE US COZ YOU AIN’T US.”
Option 2: Feign Ignorance.
Patriots fans hate nothing more than the suggestion that sports are merely an irrelevant distraction from the inevitably of death. This insults them on a deep level because their self-worth is intimately linked to the athletic performance of millionaire strangers in tight pants. If they can’t share in that success, they’re nothing more than a 45-year-old man who still goes by the nickname “Murph” and wears a jersey to your cousin’s wedding. Just say, “I’ve never heard of Rob Gronkowski, is he any good? He’s the dude on the sidelines with the headset, right? Whatever, I just hope both teams have fun.”
Option 3: Pay More Attention to the Commercials and Halftime Show.
The bane of the average sports fan is attending a Super Bowl party where no one cares about the game and they’re only in it for the commercials and halftime show. Spend hours talking about how much you love Maroon 5 and how excited you are to maybe catch a glimpse of the trailer for Star Wars IX or Avengers: Endgame. For added effect, continue to talk about the intricacies of the Marvel universe during critical moments of the game, particularly field goal attempts, in-zone plays, and the 10-minute break the refs call to review a possible pass interference: “Look, I’m just gonna say it, Tony Stark was wrong about the Sokovia Accords, Cap was right, and you know it.”
Option 4: Be Woke.
Nothing is worse than someone consistently claiming to have the moral high ground. There’s also nothing worse than politics. Combine the two and become the human embodiment of the Huffington Post opinion section. Now that football is fraught with political controversy and player safety issues, spend the entire night shaming everyone into changing the channel to MSNBC before halftime, forcing all the Patriots fans around you to flee for the nearest sports bar, while you proudly exclaim, “I can’t believe you’re going to spend tonight giving ad revenue to this tyrannical, misogynistic children’s game. Until Colin Kaepernick is elected to the Senate, I’m boycotting. Change the channel, I hear there’s some juicy new gossip about the Mueller Report from Teen Vogue.”
Option 5: Drink Heavily.
Alcohol is scientifically proven to make everything better, before making everything much, much worse. However, there’s a bright side—the more you drink, the less you care that your Patriots fan friend has spent the last hour ranting about Deflategate. Even better, the earlier your party starts, the more likely that Patriots fan you invited against all good sense won’t make it to the National Anthem, since he’ll be 12 beers in by 6 p.m. Get him a 24-pack of Sam Adams and wait until later to serve the food, so the rest of your friends can enjoy some peace and quiet.
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