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News Peed

Abortion Controversy Only Second Worse Thing to Happen to White Male Governor This Week

RICHMOND, Va. — Doubling down on contentious topics within days of each other, Gov. Ralph Northam is in deep water for allegations of racist costumes from a college yearbook photos after making controversial claims on late-term abortions.

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“Yeah, Ralph had a rough week and then Friday happened and frankly, I’m just impressed at this point,” observed Angela Henderson, a one of his staffers. “Very few politicians opt for the abortion controversy and the race controversy happening in the same week. But then again Ralph has always had that go-get-em, southern, mentality that I really admire.”

“We have had a tough time controlling the optics,” Henderson continued, “and we still are getting our controversies messed up. One press release said that Ralph absolutely does not support blackface on babies, and the other said that he definitely does support infanticide of Klansmen. Honestly, we’re probably going to double down and blame it on Corey Stewart somehow. Is he still around?”

Northam supporters who initially ran to the Governor’s aid earlier this week, are having a hard time keeping up with the litany of controversies. One supporter, Jessica Philips explained, “I guess I could rationalize the abortion comments at first because I assumed he had been misquoted or something, plus he’s a doctor so I gave him a pass, whatever. But then Friday happened and I was at a loss. I honestly did not see it coming that a folksy doctor from Virginia would have a checkered past with race.”

Northam has attempted to survive these controversies by hoping everyone forgets about the previous one. Henderson calls this Clinton method. “Well, how do you get people to stop talking about abortion? Throw in a good old fashioned racial controversy at them. However, now that we’re in the midst of a controversy on race, I’m not sure what will make people forget about this one.”

The confusion continued Saturday when Northam actually denied appearing in the offending photos. Jessica Darby, another aide for Northam, claims that in hindsight, the backpedaling-like statement might not have been the best response.

“Yeah, I’m gonna be honest, we had no clue what he was saying during most of that press conference. We were going on 72 hours of almost no sleep at that point so we just gave him a few flashcards on how to deflect the controversy and crashed in a spare room at the executive mansion.”

“Fingers crossed that Donald Trump tweets something stupid, because people seem to be really stuck on this whole blackface thing,” she continued. “Honestly, it’s like people expect politicians to upright citizens and to represent the best parts of their constituents.”

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