Midlothian Man Who Never Watches Football Ready to Kill You If You Talk During the Commercials

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Claiming that the commercials are the most entertaining part of the Super Bowl and that you’d better shut the hell up while they’re on, Midlothian resident Roger Hampton is ready to kill you if you talk during the game’s commercials, officials confirmed Sunday.

“I’ve been looking forward to this all year, and planning for it the entire week,” Hampton stated in an interview, adding that while he didn’t care much for football itself, his interest in major companies investing millions into potentially hilarious 30-second TV spots was a force to be reckoned with. “I’ve got a six-pack of Coors in the fridge and my buffalo chicken tenders in the oven, so tonight is shaping up to be quite the party.”

“I’m serious, now, you’d best keep your damn mouth shut as soon as they cut to the break,” he continued. “I’m not about to miss one of Budweiser’s ads or the new Star Wars trailer because you want to talk about how well Tom Brady has played so far, so do yourself a favor and pipe down, or else.”

Hampton was last seen aggressively testing the volume function on his television remote control, ensuring that the volume would reach its maximum level without issues when the newest Doritos ad came on.

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