CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Virginia Tech student, Bradley Simmons, is in recovery after experiencing a series of severe medical complications arising from a recent liver transplant from a University of Virginia graduate, sources confirmed Monday.
Simmons was admitted to the University of Virginia Medical Center for the complicated transplant procedure after being diagnosed with a rare genetic condition which rendered his liver unable to process alcohol.
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Faced with a lifetime without drinking or a series of increasingly severe medical risks and side effects the likes of which could cost him his life, Simmons chose the latter and underwent a full liver transplant. His donor, UVA graduate Sullivan McCarthy, known to his friends as “Sully,” to his close friends as “The Ruckus,” and to local law enforcement as “a definite flight risk,” died tragically in what witnesses described as an unfortunate Frisbee-related incident.
In death, McCarthy gave Simmons a new lease on life by donating his liver. However, Simmons began to experience several complications.
“In some rare cases, the recipient of a new organ will begin to reject the transplant, but what we’re seeing with Simmons are some completely extraordinary symptoms,” Simmons’s physician Dr. Charles Waller said. “Bradley came to us as an ordinary student from Blacksburg. He enjoyed bass fishing, country music, college sports, and what the kids call ‘Natty’ Light, but he’s begun to exhibit some strange changes. Put simply, his body is not only rejecting his liver, but his old life as well.”
Simmons’s closest friend, Henry Williams, recounted the bizarre changes himself: “I walked in one night and Bradley was listening to Dave Matthews while wearing a pair of Sperrys under his gown. His mood also really improved as he was watching Virginia Tech lose to Notre Dame in the ACC tournament, which was a bit odd.”
Upon his initial release from the transplant wing, Simmons was spotted at a local vineyard discussing the “velvety mouthfeel” of a full-bodied Cabernet Franc. He was also overheard asking a young woman, “so, where do you summer?” “Back where we’re from, we just usually ask where you’re going on vacation, but Bradley has really changed,” Williams explained. “Why, just the other day, I found a half-eaten wheel of brie and something called ‘pita crisps’ that he was hiding from me and the guys. He’s always been a Doritos and Mountain Dew sort of fella until now.”
Formerly an engineering student, Simmons has apparently abandoned all pursuits into a field many consider useful and has instead begun applying to UVA’s McIntire School of Commerce.
When reached for comment on these changes, Simmons explained, “I don’t know, I just felt compelled to apply to the Comm. School. Ever since the transplant, I feel more enlightened, worldly, and superior to my friends and colleagues for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Sure, no one enjoys my company anymore and I’ve become an insufferable caricature of all that is wrong with my generation, but I really think I can snag that last spot at McKinsey for their summer internship.”
Despite this new lease on life, tragedy struck soon after Simmons’s discharge when he was apprehended by law enforcement attempting to drunkenly streak The Lawn at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon. “I don’t know what happened,” Simmons attempted to explain. “I was just walking back from the hospital for a follow-up appointment. Then, I saw the renovated Rotunda and was immediately overcome with a profound sense of history and belonging. I knew at that moment that to honor these rich Grounds, I had to slam a 40 and run around naked.”
Simmons has since been re-admitted and is undergoing intense therapy which involves heavy doses of immunosuppressants, watching the last 15 years of Virginia Tech football games against UVA, and listening to Travis Tritt.
“We see this from time to time, but mostly in sitcoms where two characters switch apartments and start acting like each other, like that one episode of ‘Seinfeld,’” Dr. Waller explained. “However, it’s not unheard of. A few years ago I transferred a kidney from one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta to a little girl from Franklin, Tennessee. That girl grew up to be Miley Cyrus.”
Simmons is resting comfortably and expects to be discharged any day now. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Everything is so clear now. I can’t believe I thought an orange blazer was an appropriate thing to wear to a football game.”
However, this experience won’t be without its side effects, as Dr. Waller indicated, “While we’re always hoping for a new liver to replace this rejected one, I told Bradley that, in the meantime, he might never quite return to his normal life and may have some residual interest in lacrosse for the rest of his days. We warned him this could happen, but it was a calculated risk.”
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