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Kings Dominion Officials to Close Volcano Due to Threat of Violent Eruption

DOSWELL, Va. — Citing an imminent and likely catastrophic eruption, Kings Dominion officials have announced the permanent closure of Volcano: The Blast Coaster prior the start of the 2019 season.

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According to Kings Dominion spokesman Terry Grandoch, the amusement park’s in-house geological team has confirmed that the dormant volcano, which became an inverted roller coaster in 1998, is once again active and expected to erupt at a VEI-3 level.

The initial explosion alone is predicted to result in a violent expulsion of hot ash and pyroclastic flows into the skies around Doswell. Grandock explained that this so-called “doomsday scenario,” which will mostly likely occur over the next few weeks and would most definitely damage nearby coasters such as Avalanche and Flight of Fear, as well as the park itself, has led to the difficult decision to close the ride.

“Volcano has had a long run, but we can’t continue to operate her with an extinction-level event like this on the horizon,” Grandoch stated, adding that even though the mountain was naturally poised for a magnificent eruption, the park planned to preempt the nightmarish spectacle with about sixty tons of dynamite that was recently purchased from a fireworks stand on Route 1.

“We’re going to drop so much TNT into the vent so that when she finally blows, it’ll be an eruption for the ages — which is the proper send-off for the beloved coaster. If all goes well, this baby’s gonna make Mount St. Helens look like a cozy hot spring.”

Grandoch added that park officials have sealed off the entire Safari Village region of the park, and have declared the area a “red zone” until the aftermath of the eruption is deemed safe.

When asked about plans for the mountain post-eruption, Grandoch revealed that the park is considering introducing Smurfs back into the environment. The Smurfs had initially inhabited the mountain before being wiped out during construction, reportedly by an old man and his creepy cat.

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