ARLINGTON, Va. — A devastated Sen. Tim Kaine has just been rejected as the harmonica player for local jam band Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience, sources confirmed Friday.
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The rejection sadly marks Kaine’s fifth unsuccessful attempt to enter the local music scene.
A fervent harmonica player since his teen years, Kaine has had a love affair with bluegrass music for decades. He performed with bluegrass band No Speed Limit at his gubernatorial inauguration in 2006 and has been known to show up at bluegrass festivals around Virginia unannounced and ready to play. Kaine has also shared the stage with members of the Grateful Dead and Dave Matthews Band.
Due to a surprising amount of extra free time since, according to Kaine, “this whole vice president thing is not going to work out,” he decided to branch out into jam bands with the hopes of securing a spot on the festival circuit this summer.
Despite putting on several impressive auditions and blasting his way through an 11 minute improvisation of Umphrey’s McGee’s “Wappy Sprayberry,” Kaine was ultimately turned down by the Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience.
“The guy has some talent, but he’s also like 60 years old,” Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience guitarist Jimmy Tompkins said. “One of our songs is 73 minutes and has 14 solos. What happens if he has a stroke or heart attack in the middle of it? We can’t shorten the set for stuff like that.”
In addition to the Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience, Kaine was rejected by Mango Stanley for his aversion to shrooms, by joe. (a tribute band for popular jam band moe.) for playing a rendition of “Wagon Wheel,” and Runway of the Acoustical Giraffe for his “Yea” vote on the FISA Amendments Reauthorization Act of 2017.
Kaine also received a rejection from Nurplefunk for being too straight-laced and clean cut.
“I formed Nurplefunk so that I could score with hippie chicks at festivals,” Even “Fap” Windermiss said. “I can’t do that with Tim hanging around. It’s like to trying to get a blowjob in front of your dad.”
Despite the rejections, Kaine is reportedly undaunted and plans to keep auditioning. A spokesperson for the senator announced in a press release that regardless of whether or not he finds a band to tour with, he is setting aside time to attend Lockn’ Festival this summer and plans to play some Oak Ridge Boys tunes by the first aid station.
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