RICHMOND, Va. — Details have started to come to light about Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney’s $1.4 billion dollar proposal for a new coliseum and downtown development plan after an anonymous source leaked several documents earlier this week.
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In an effort to maintain the defining characteristics of the surrounding area, the leaked plan includes money set aside for the installation and upkeep of several miles of new uneven sidewalks and dozens of Volkswagen-sized inexplicable potholes.
According to the documents, the plan allocates close to $2 million for contractors to properly install the sidewalks, meeting all current safety and building standards, before irrevocably damaging them and making them nearly impassable. Another $2.5 million is slated for the fresh paving of roads, followed by the destruction of those roads using sledgehammers, dynamite, and whatever other means the contractors deem necessary.
Buck Wilson, a spokesperson for the city planning commission, acknowledged the truth of the rumors in a written statement. He went on to elaborate on how the jagged sidewalks and destructive potholes will be achieved.
“We’re very excited,” Wilson said. “We’re actually going to be using a lot of old bowling balls from the AMF plant down here. We’ll drop them on the roads and sidewalks; we may even pave or brick right over them. Even though Mother Nature takes months or years to form a sizeable pothole or uproot a bricked sidewalk, our overpriced methods will do it in a matter of hours. Our hope is no one will be able to comfortably walk or drive within a mile of this brand new coliseum; if you’re in a wheelchair needing to use the sidewalk, forget it.”
The plan provides no money for green space development, which Wilson hopes will encourage residents to leave their pet waste along the new pedestrian-unfriendly sidewalks.
Many city residents and business owners remain optimistic that whatever the final development plan holds, it will be a productive investment for the community.
“It’s apparent the city is incapable of fixing all the downtown sidewalks and streets,” Tom Zirkle, who owns a florist shop in the city, said of the plan. “So if they can at least match the dire charisma of that unkempt infrastructure, I guess that’s better than nothing.”
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