RICHMOND, Va. — At a public ceremony on Thursday, Virginia Governor Ralph Northam signed into law a bill raising the minimum smoking age in the Commonwealth to 21. However, in a last minute addition with no clear bearing on the law, Northam also decided to include an executive order raising the maximum acceptable age to wear blackface to 59.
“See? It’s okay now,” a jubilant Northam told reporters, explaining the mental growth process males face while growing up. “As my wife Pam has said to me on many occasions, including right before and right after I gave my last press conference, men are the weaker sex and need more time to grow and develop. To date, neither 24-year-old medical students nor 59-year-old governors have been given enough time to properly mature into racially sensitive, woke adults. Now they can.”
In response to inquiries regarding the new legal age to buy tobacco products, Northam referred all questions to his much younger staff standing off to the side of the podium completely obscured by clouds of cotton candy flavored vapor.
“Well, I don’t turn 60 for a few more months, so I guess I can try my Michael Jackson costume out one more time, right Pam?” Northam said, motioning to his stone-faced wife. “Oh, Pam says no, folks. Sorry, party’s over! Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, kids.”