Dillwyn Recognized With “Least Historic Place in Virginia” Award

DILLWYN, Va. — Describing the town’s past as completely void of any notable moments or people in the state’s history, the town of Dillwyn was officially recognized by state officials as the least historic place in Virginia this morning.

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Officials from the Virginia Board of Irrelevant Communities (VBIC) revealed their conclusion after analyzing data and documents detailing Virginia’s rich history. Shirley Koppler, a spokesperson for VBIC, explained in a press release that through all of the digging, which spanned the state’s initial colonization in the 17th century, both the Revolutionary and Civil War, and the Reconstruction period after, not once did Dillwyn turn up.

“Dillwyn’s complete lack of historical significance is not to be trifled with,” Koppler explained about the blip on the Virginia map that is seemingly absent in the state’s past. “Which is why we’re honored to present Dillwyn with Virginia’s first ever Historical Insignificance Achievement Award.”

“We honestly don’t even know how Dillwyn got started,” she added. “As far as we can tell, it just appeared in Virginia sometime between now and 1607. Maybe even earlier than that, we just don’t know.”

Koppler went on to discuss that the town even seemed to dodge participation in the Civil War, a rarity throughout the Commonwealth. “Seriously, nearly every Virginia community had at least a battle fought nearby or was a hideout for a bunch of retreating Confederates, but not Dillwyn.”

Many local residents of Dillwyn are in agreement with the announcement, including Harold Jones, who has called the town home since his teenage years in the 1970s.

“Not a goddamn thing has happened in this community since its inception,” he said in an interview following the announcement. “Truth be told, the most historical thing about Dillwyn is our website, which we’re pretty sure hasn’t been redesigned since 1997. Hopefully this award can help us finally get on the map.”

The award comes with a few prizes for Dillwyn. Going forward, Dillwyn’s historical significance will be featured as a column on all official Virginia state maps. The town will also be given government funding towards a gift shop for any tourists seeking Dillwyn’s memorable nothingness.

Koppler concluded by revealing other Virginia towns that were candidates for the award, such as Galax and South Hill. She also added that receiving this award is likely the most notable thing to happen to Dillwyn to date, and the honor would be mentioned in the town’s Wikipedia page in the coming days.

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