Virginia Pretty Sure Racism Is Finally Over After Learning Lesson From Blackface Scandals

RICHMOND, Va. — Reassuring themselves that all future problems regarding race have now been solved, all 8.52 million residents of Virginia feel confident that racism is finally over following the blackface scandals involving Gov. Ralph Northam and other top state politicians earlier this year.

RELATED (article continued below):

• Fancy The Peedmont? Help support our mission to bring you locally-sourced satire by checking our Patreon for sweet rewards and benefits.

“The start of 2019 was indeed rough, but I think we finally solved racism by calling out our foolish politicians when they do horrible things,” said Richmond resident Glenn Norwood. While the state’s capital is still home to several monuments honoring Confederate leaders that were erected during the Jim Crow era, Norwood continued assuredly, “Everyone has definitely learned their lesson, so now we can finally put racial issues behind us.”

At press time, Virginia residents were reportedly patting themselves on the back for seemingly abolishing the complex and institutionalized form of discrimination that has plagued the entire country since its birth, feeling sure that nothing bad will ever happen again.

RELATED:

• Northam Signs Bill Raising Minimum Smoking Age to 21, Maximum Blackface Age to 59
• State Capitol Janitor Frank Surprised to Find He’s Virginia’s New Governor
• House Speaker Kirk Cox Frantically Admits Regretful Decision to Wear Ron Paul ‘88 Shirt During His 30s

Got merch?