COLUMBIA, Sc. — Following their loss to University of Central Florida on Friday, VCU managed to gentrify the entire town of Columbia, S.C., in a single night before returning home Saturday, sources revealed this morning.
“Our state capital looks brand new, we don’t even recognize it,” said Columbia resident Rachel Morley, 28, referring to the overpriced boutique shops, upscale restaurants, and luxury condos that appeared overnight. “Just a couple of days ago, that coffee shop serving $6 cappuccinos was a friendly neighborhood laundromat, and I’m suddenly paying $1,599 for my studio apartment, utilities not included. I didn’t even know my rent could increase that much in one night.”
Despite the sudden influx of white trust-fund millennials settling in their neighborhoods and displacing locals, the residents of Columbia remained grateful that VCU won’t be visiting another city for the rest of the tournament.
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