RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond Police Chief William C. Smith held a press conference this morning to proudly announce the arrest of the Arthur Ashe Monument.
RELATED (article continued below):
- Support our mission to help spread the word of satire by joining our Patreon, and we’ll throw some benefits your way.
“After a decades-long investigation, we have finally arrested and charged the Arthur Ashe Monument with assaulting the group of monument children with his tennis racket and book in a fit of rage that has lasted since 1996,” Smith explained, adding that the accusations were based on thousands of eyewitness accounts over the years. “We have received reports of the alleged assault from both Museum District residents and people driving down Monument Avenue. We’re pleased to bring a known criminal to justice.”
Authorities arrested the Ashe Monument in an early morning raid at the intersection of Monument Avenue and Roseneath Road. They were successfully able to separate the stone children safely while placing the Ashe portion of the monument into custody without any reported injuries.
Smith did note, however, that Ashe refused to let go of the book and tennis racket that were attached to his right and left hands, respectively, which led to a brief scuffle.
At the arraignment, the Ashe Monument refused to enter a plea, simply standing in silence with a stone-cold face. Jack Mason, the Monument’s attorney, explained, says that the Ashe Monument himself is the victim of a false accusation. “My client has done nothing wrong,” he stated on behalf of Ashe. “He has been in the public eye for decades and, despite menacingly holding a book and a tennis racket over the children’s heads with a seemingly demented smile on his face, has done nothing untoward.”
“I think it’s obvious,” he continued, “that the Stonewall Jackson Monument, the Robert E. Lee Monument, and the Jefferson Davis Monument have conspired against my client and leaked his whereabouts to the police. Let’s just say that the Confederate monuments may have an issue with my client for some reason.”
The public’s reaction to the raid has been overwhelmingly positive, with many neighborhood residents applauding the arrest. “I think it’s about damn time that they brought him down,” said Maria Carver, who resides on Nansemond Avenue. She claimed that she and her neighbors can finally rest easy knowing that the Ashe Monument may soon be behind bars.
“Hopefully this helps prove that the Richmond community has a zero-tolerance policy for domestic violence and abuse.”
A GoFundMe has been set up to help raise money for the stone children who fell victim to Ashe’s assault for 23 years. The page’s description says that 100% of the funds raised will be used to erect a monument solely for them, where they will be able to reach upwards to the sky for the rest of their lives.
- Mayor Levar Stoney Proposes Moving Monument Avenue, Leave Monuments Behind
- Op-ed: I’m a Monument Avenue Purebred and You Play Cornhole Where I Shit
- Monument Avenue Commission Recommends Replacing Stonewall Jackson Monument with Samuel L. Jackson Monument
Hey, we have merch, too.