RICHMOND, Va. — Justifying the world-ending device as a simple precaution and nothing more, Dominion Energy has stated that the nuclear doomsday machine built into the Atlantic Coast Pipeline will only be used in an extreme case, sources confirmed Monday.
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According to Dominion, the 600-mile pipeline that will span the eastern seaboard is being constructed with a nuclear self-destruct feature that, if triggered, will explode with the power of fifty hydrogen bombs, producing a lethal cloud of radioactivity that will encircle the earth for 93 years.
Dr. Peter Strangelove, Dominion’s chief scientific advisor, spoke about the doomsday machine in a recent statement issued by the company, where he called the weapon a mere guarantor of our safety that will only be used if absolutely necessary.
“The doomsday bomb is vital for everyone’s protection, plain and simple,” Strangelove said, explaining the strategic reasoning of mutual destruction. “Deterrence is the art of producing in the mind of the enemy the fear to attack.”
“The threat we face from groups ranging from environmental enthusiasts to ISIS is not to be taken lightly,” he continued, “so let this be a warning to anyone who wishes to confront us: Don’t even think about it, or we’re all going down together.”
However, Strangelove said that the device, which will end all animal, plant, and bacteria life on Earth if triggered, will be designed as a last resort to deter any threatening actions, and that the public should not worry about its capabilities.
“Trust us, it would take a lot for this baby to blow,” Strangelove explained. “For example, say a group of hippie protestors try to spray graffiti all over the pipeline. Only in dire situations like that will the doomsday machine activitate and thus end the world as we know it.”
“And really, it’ll be the fault of the person who tampered with the pipe if it happens, since we were honest and upfront about it,” he added.
Despite its ability to contaminate the planet’s entire atmosphere with toxic radiation, the machine cannot be shut down if triggered. Dominion Energy called it a necessary evil, saying that the machine must appear threatening at all costs.
“We aren’t spending money to strap nuclear weaponry onto the pipeline every 30 miles and then linking them together just so someone can call our bluff. And so, because of the automated and irrevocable decision making process which rules out human meddling, the doomsday machine is terrifying,” Strangelove’s statement read, before assuring the public that, again, the doomsday device was still nothing to be concerned about. “Really though, there’s nothing to worry about. Nothing will go wrong.”
Strangelove ended the statement by revealing that, in case of an accidental catastrophic nuclear armageddon, Dominion is planning to raze several miles of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park to make room for bomb shelters that will be able to sustain life into the next century.
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