RICHMOND, Va. — A joint investigation between the Virginia Department of Health and the Virginia State Police has uncovered a plot by noted terrorist organization Seasonal Allergies to infect the state with nasal and upper respiratory symptoms which mimic more serious illnesses, sources revealed Monday.
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Ed Piocanda, an investigator with the Department of Health, said they discovered members of Seasonal Allergies moving into the state but were unable to stop the group before their coordinated attack last week.
“We were suddenly and viciously attacked by trees and vegetation living among us,” Piocanda explained, emphasizing that the attackers used modern pollen warfare tactics in their ambush. “We thought we had a peaceful coexistence, but we were wrong. This was a coordinated assault designed to irritate our nasal passages and break our spirits.”
Officials with the Department of Health are monitoring the situation but have yet to determine a strategy for countering the olfactory assault. “Social media monitoring confirms that the epidemic is spreading,” Piocanda continued. “We have seen a drastic uptick in the number of individuals tweeting about itchy watery eyes, sneezing, and ‘so much fucking pollen.’”
Piocanda noted a 44% increase in the purchase of nasal decongestant sprays and a 300% increase in tissue sales. However, Piocanda admitted the growth in tissue sales could also be attributed to an upshot in masterbation, as warmer weather often leads to an increase in revealing clothing.
The attack has also garnered attention from conspiracy theorists. The Virginia State Police are currently investigating a claim on 4chan that the attack from Seasonal Allergies is a false flag operation by big pharma posing as environmentalists pretending to fight global warming in order to sell more Claritin to unsuspecting citizens. According to these theories, former president Barack Obama is also somehow involved.
Health officials have advised residents they should prepare to be mildly inconvenienced for the next four to six weeks until the region’s blistering heat halts the attacks.