RICHMOND, Va. — Museum District resident Brock Samuels was forced to endure a disgusting pilsner after being overcome with shyness at the prospect of ordering something else once he tasted a free sample of the pilsner, sources confirmed this morning.
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Samuels, who describes himself as “more of a redbull and vodka guy,” was roped in to visiting Dancing Jester Brew Works as part of a happy hour organized by his boss. His initial decision to order a sample of the pilsner came after 45 excruciating seconds of attempting to decipher the beer menu while the bartender stared at him impatiently.
Although Samuels thought the free sample of Dancing Jester’s PrettyBasic Pilsner came close to initiating his own gag reflex, he said he chose to go with it to avoid holding up the growing line behind him and to avoid hurting the bartender’s feelings.
“The pilsner tasted similar to arugula and kiddie pool water, but the guy who served it was really friendly and enthusiastic about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint him,” Samuels recalled afterward. “And I didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ and hold up the line for 10 minutes because I just had to sample everything they offered until I found something I liked.”
“God, I hate having to make these kind of decisions,” he added.
Nervous from having been put on the spot, Samuels briefly considered trying something else; however, he was unsure how to pronounce gose and was very intimidated by the brewery’s seasonal Hippity Hops Cadbury Creme Egg IPA.
“So I just went with the pilsner before I could be overwhelmed with anxiety,” he stated.
Samuels blamed his ignorance of beers on the fact that Alpha Epsilon Pi, his fraternity at Virginia Tech, primarily drank Natural Light.
“I have no idea what IBU means or what lambic is,” Samuels added. “IBU sounds like an abbreviation for ibuprofen, is that what that means?”
Despite having little interest in the drink, Samuels has found his lack of beer knowledge to be a social hindrance in the Richmond social scene, which also contributed to his choice of the pilsner. “I’ll be damned if I was going to look like an asshole in front of the boys from the office so I just sucked it up and pretended it was Bud Light.”
As Samuels struggled to finish his first glass and contemplated the best strategy for making a quiet exit from happy hour, his hopes were dashed by a coworker who immediately suggested a second round and suggested the brewery’s signature Doppel Bock Death Piss.
“Lorenzo is such a dickcheese,” Samuels continued. “Why couldn’t we have just gone to Chili’s so I could have pounded a few Long Island Iced Teas?”
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