Famed Richard Nixon Impersonator to Perform at Paper Moon

RICHMOND, Va. — Roger Stone, former Trump adviser and amateur Richard Nixon impersonator will make his debut appearance at the Paper Moon gentlemen’s club this evening as a part of their “Out on Bail Amateur Extravaganza.”

RELATED (article continued below):

• Famed Richmond Pornstar “Hard E. Wood” Retires
• Stormy Daniels Loses Papermoon Gig to Some Chick Named Florence
• Richmond Government Threatens Shutdown Unless NOVA Pays for Wall at Fredericksburg Border

Stone, who is currently awaiting trial for his alleged involvement in the 2016 Wikileaks scandal, decided to visit the Paper Moon after learning that the club’s amateur performance contest came with a $2,000 grand prize. Stone, who also served as an advisor to former President Richard Nixon and co-opted Nixon’s famed double handed peace sign in photographs, has been experiencing legal troubles in recent weeks and reportedly “needs cash now” according to sources close to him.

With legal expenses expected to approach two million dollars, Stone hopes to take home top prize in the amateur exotica dancing competition. He faces tough competition, however,  from former dancer and frequent bar brawler Kristy “Armadillo Knuckles” Newsome as well as a few down-on-their-luck students from Virginia Commonwealth University trying to afford both tuition and Chipotle guacamole.

In a written statement, Stone previewed that he plans to wear a fishnet chemise and a velvet thong and will dance to “When Worlds Collide” by Powerman 5000. “Plush velvet conjures up kings and opulence,” Stone said. “That should give me the edge to win those two Gs.”

Stone is expected to perform at least two sets before signing autographs for the handful of incels and old men wearing “three-percenter” t-shirts expected to show up.

“We originally invited Mr. Stone to visit Paper Moon for the free publicity and because his supporters seem like the type of people to spend too much money on strippers,” Jimmy Mastacomo, the club’s manager said. “We did not think he would actually agree to show up. Now we’re hoping we can get him to perform first before the place we get crowded.”

 
Support your journalistic comrades – visit our online store and support our Patreon