RICHMOND, Va. — In a remarkable overreach of mayoral power, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney announced that Wednesday, September 19th will be the inaugural Monument Avenue Jogger Confinement Day.
Claiming that the city’s commuters are in need of a single day off from having to deal with runners, Stoney said he will order the Richmond Police Department to capture and momentarily remove any and all of the urban pests often found in the early evening along the iconic avenue.
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“The vast majority of Richmonders want to see these perfect specimens of human beings off of our streets,” Stoney proclaimed today, speaking from the median on Monument Avenue.
“Their insincere apologetic waves for interfering with commuters has only strengthened my resolve to act.”
The mayor’s plan calls for the sweaty street sprinters to be temporarily relocated to Brown’s Island after capture. Once there, they will be kept cage-free and supplied with sports drinks, fresh ear buds, and literature explaining how crosswalks work. There will also be several Fitbit charging stations and full length mirrors to help them pass the remainder of the evening until their release back onto the city streets shortly after dusk.
“They have so much time in their day, they can often devote hours to literally running up and down the damn road,” Mayor Stoney continued. “I’ve heard stories of them hiding behind a bush, just to dart out in front of traffic when the light turned green or walking into the side of vehicles stopped at intersections as they’re messing with their watch. I’ve personally had my groceries fly from the back seat into my windshield as I’ve hit the brakes to avoid them. So I’m committed to giving the city’s commuters one day to not have to worry about these health conscious pestilences.”
Fan resident Tina Wilson, who was doing leg stretches next to a Jeep Wrangler with several round stickers boasting “26.2,” “13.1,” and “10k,” was displeased upon learning about the mayor’s announcement.
“Stop lights are for cars, and crosswalks are for walkers. I’m neither. I’m a runner, and this bullying from Levar won’t stop me either. The real pests are these Uber and Lyft cars I constantly see double parked out here. I literally almost ran into one the other day as I was running down the middle of the street. I had to jump into the other lane of traffic.”
Though pleased with the single day reprieve from the unwelcome guests, Cutshaw Avenue resident Jacoby Barnes wishes the mayor would take a more aggressive approach.
“Why round them up for just one evening? They’re just going to come running back the next day. I reckon I’d rather Stoney just let me and the rest of Richmond have at them, you know? Like ‘Death Race 2000’ or a jogger purge.”
As Mayor Stoney was wrapping up his remarks, a runner who was looking down at its phone stumbled into the small assembly, tripped over a cable, and caused excruciating feedback that reverberated off the million-dollar homes. It scampered off uninjured and unconcerned.
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