Op-Ed: I’m an Arlington Yuppie and I Love Rooftop Bars Because I Get to Drink and Look Down on People

ARLINGTON, Va. — Summer is around the corner, the sun is shining, the ladies are unpacking their short shorts, and I’m just standing here in my Ray-Ban wayfarers sipping a Citradelic Tangerine IPA on the roof of some trendy tiki bar judging all of you.

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Yes, that’s right, I said Ray-Bans. Be jealous. I have a cool office job (I’m a consultant, thanks for asking) and nothing to do after work except drink with my buds and look down on all the peons running to and from their crappy jobs. There are so many different types of losers out there it’s kind of hard to keep track of them all. But day after day, there they are walking around like little worker bees, grinding out their days like chumps. I see the non-profit hippies baring their souls and working for pennies; the feds stressing all day and all night to write a report that their political appointees’ bosses are just going to throw into the garbage can; the Hill staffers who are still getting coffee and answering phones three years into the job.

I’ve got two words for you, folks:

Private. Sector.

Yep, private sector, which also happens to be what I call my junk when I’m all alone in my one-bedroom condo. That’s why I’m up here chillin’ like a villain and you’re down there picking up your boss’ dry cleaning.

It takes a long time to work your way up to being as successful as me, a 26-year-old C+ student who got everything in life handed to him, but I think you can do it. Come on, give it a try. No? Okay then, bro. Enjoy being with all the other suckers while guys like me rack up sick bar tabs and strike out with hotter ladies than you’ll ever see from way down there. Sorry, the roof is for winners only.

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