Japanese Scientists Achieve Breakthrough In Asian-Fusion Cuisine

MATSUYAMA, Japan — Scientists at the Fujikori Accelerator Laboratory have announced a major breakthrough in Mexican-Asian fusion in a study published in the National Journal of Delicious Physics this week. The breakthrough occurred when scientists at the lab were finally able to stabilize a rare Gyoza al Pastor molecule.

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“We’re thrilled with this development,” commented Oshiro Takanata, Sc.D., the lead physicist whose team made the discovery. “We’ve been running Tempura21 Ω Fajita8 particle collisions for 3 years now. It’s been a long journey, but we’re finally here.”

The extremely sensitive particles are only able to exist in artificial laboratory settings for a fraction of a nanosecond. However, the discovery was a significant leap forward for the fusion scientific community. “You have to eat them almost immediately before the particles collapse,” commented lab technician Toshiro Mastui, “but trust me, they’re fucking delicious.”

The Fujikori lab experienced a significant setback last August when the main Chorizo Collider (the “ChoCo”) suffered a catastrophic explosion during a soy-based experiment. “We had to rethink our entire approach following the meltdown,” commented Emiko Tankashi, a physicist who contributed to the study. “We’ve been running all Wasaburrito and Ramen/Churro X experiments in our sister lab in Mexico City.” The sister lab’s official name is the Centro de Isótopos de Partículas y Desarrollo de la Inercia Física, but it is colloquially known as CHIPDIP.

The lab’s last major advancement came in 2015 when scientists were able to isolate Barbacoa ShumaiKL28 particles for the first time. Up until that point, such particles were purely theoretical but never actually created in a lab.

In recent years scientists in the US have struggled to keep up with the pace of Japanese advancements. The last major milestone for American scientists was 2003’s transmutation of Phô inside of a poptart.

“Those suckers have a half-life of a mere 4 seconds so we don’t recommend you share,” commented molecular physicist Dr. Jason Randalls, PhD, who led the experiment. “With that level of decay you’re looking at single-serving sizes at best. Also, if we’re being honest, they taste like burnt trash. The Japanese have us beat.”

While the lab’s new discovery is certainly a remarkable achievement, Dr. Takanata says there is still much more to learn. “I should mention that this research is merely theoretical. It’s simply a way for us to better understand how the culinary universe was created … No one should ever eat Mexican-Asian fusion food without understanding the science behind it first. Frankly, it’s a pretty unfortunate blend of cultural appropriation and bad food.”

As of press time Dr. Takanata was seen examining a glowing refried bean dumpling.

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