RICHMOND, Va. — A plethora of little horsies eager to be ridden — that’s what VCU Freshmen Karen Whicker was expecting to find on her first visit to Pony Pasture.
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The excited 18 year old had recently purchased a new pair of puce riding pants just for the occasion, but was met with the harsh reality upon arriving at the park. Trying desperately to find the ponies, Whicker wandered into the river, hoping they were just going for a swim. After getting about 10 yards out, she fell in and had to be rescued by two nearby stoners.
“I just don’t understand,” a whimpering and soggy Whicker said from the banks of the James Friday afternoon. “There are no ponies and there is no pasture. It’s literally nothing like what it says. It should be called ‘slippery rocks.’ I skipped all of my classes for this today. This is total horse shit.”
According to Jason Smithwick, her Lyft driver, she was visibly confused upon arriving at the river void of ponies.
“It was pretty bizarre,” he stated in an interview, adding that Whicker had certainly dressed for the occasion. “For one thing, she had what looked like a horse saddle with her and was wearing these weird pants, I think they were purple. When I asked her if she was going tubing with friends, she was like ‘Oh yeah, I’m hoping to go trotting with lots of new friends, maybe even gallup.’ It was kind of sweet how excited she was.”
Anne Witry, a representative from the James River Park System, said this happens every few weeks. As a result, they are in the process of installing new signs leading from the parking lot for clarification.
“It’s very often young women who are new to the area who are confused, and they get into trouble when they wade into the fast-moving water under the false thinking that there are ponies drowning in the river.”
“Honestly, I’m pretty bummed out,” Whicker continued, “but I should have known something was up when Google Maps put this place in the middle of the river. I really feel like a horse’s ass.”
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