Altria Releases New Study Linking Lung Cancer to Karma, Not Cigarettes

RICHMOND, Va. — Results from a health study undertaken by Altria Group, Inc. were released today, revealing that one of the top causes of lung cancer is actually not cigarette and tobacco smoke, but the vengeful force of karma instead.

Phillip Morris USA, the United States tobacco division of the worldwide manufacturer for cigarettes and related products, contributed much of the data to the study. According to their findings, there is a direct correlation between people who have wronged others in the past and malignant tumors attacking their lungs— a correlation more distinct than the relationship between using Altria’s tobacco products and a person’s health.

“The numbers don’t lie,” Altria spokesperson Samantha Riley said, explaining that the study examined the histories of numerous participants, including both customers of Altria and non-smokers.

“We found that people with a history of intentional wrongdoings were extremely prone to lung cancer, which absolutely means that karma is the leading threat to the health of the general populace.”

“Interesting, isn’t it?” she asked, while shrugging her shoulders.

The study also found connections related to karma’s effects on others surrounding the wrongdoer that were strikingly similar to those of second-hand smoking. The more cruel and long-lasting a person’s villainous deeds were, the more likely people in their immediate environment were to be struck with cancer.

“Basically, if you were a total dick all the time, your entire family is at a high risk for lung cancer,” Riley elaborated.

The findings didn’t stop there, though. Altria also used Newports, their competitor’s product, as an independent variable during the trials and discovered that they were just as likely to induce lung cancer as vengeful karma.

“The results further proved that, in addition to karma, people who use Newports instead of Marlboros are more likely to develop terminal cancers,” Riley continued.

Altria plans to lobby Acting Surgeon General of the United States Sylvia Trent-Adams to modify the warning label found on their products to now read, “Warning: Karma Causes Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, Emphysema, And May Complicate Pregnancy Way Worse Than Altria’s Tobacco Products, Definitely.”

 

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