RICHMOND, Va. — The James River Park Association recently utilized hundreds of volunteer hours in the hot Richmond sun to survey one of the river’s most popular attractions. The study concluded that there was a startling 94% probability that your favorite large boulder to lounge about on will already be occupied by other people lounging about on it the next time you come to the river.
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“We suspected a high percentage,” spokesman Kevin Marcus said. “But 94% was truly stunning. Visitor’s expectations of being able to enjoy their preferred rock on any given day needs to be lowered. There are lots of other flat rocks, benches, and beach areas for folks to ruin with their bluetooth speaker noise pollution, cigarette butts, and empty beer bottles.”
Marcus went on to say that they are considering implementing a rock reservation system but suggest that in the meantime, Belle Isle visitors try being polite and sharing a rock with others, an idea not easily embraced by some.
“I come down here to get away,” local Jimmy Weebly said from his second favorite rock. “Not to have to share space with VCU students, a black lab, and a stroller carrying a screaming suburban toddler. I’ve been coming to that rock over there for like the last five years and now here I am on this piece of shit excuse for a boulder trying to write in my journal and it’s just not the same.”
This study comes on the heels of another recent study that showed a whopping 87% chance of stepping in dog shit on the pedestrian suspension bridge leading to Belle Isle.