RICHMOND Va. — Despite sharing loud and often condescending opinions of the FIFA Women’s World Cup to every woman he encounters in sports bars, area fuckboi Chad Karson, 31, is surprised that his interest in the tournament has yet to get him laid, sources confirmed Monday.
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“I don’t know what I’m doing wrong,” Karson explained, adding that his research into the U.S. team’s prior performance hasn’t rewarded him with a single one-night stand followed by a plea for self-pity regarding his complicated emotions. “I always stress the plight of the women’s team for not getting paid as much as the men’s team, despite their consistently high rankings. And I always — always — make sure to mention how inspirationally feminist Megan Rapinoe looks with her shorter, bleached hair. Yet I still go home and masterbate myself to sleep.”
Additional reports confirmed that despite his consistent losses, Karson will continue his efforts of taking advantage of women in the most pathetic way possible by texting any and all female contacts in his phone to see if they’d like to meet up for today’s U.S. match against Spain.